The Part Of Me That Will Hurt Forever – 25 Years Later

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25 Years Later

25 years later. Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of the day you died. You’ve now been gone more years than you were on this earth. 24 short years. That’s all we got with you. You didn’t get to be at your daughter’s birth, be the Daddy who taught her to walk or ride her bike or see that, like you, she is an amazing artist. She’s also incredibly smart and beautiful, inside and out. She’s married now. You would like her husband and I think he would like you.

Your siblings graduations, weddings, the births of your nephews and nieces. So many life events you should have been a part of and you have been so missed.

25 years. That seems like such a long time when I see it typed on a blank page and when I think of all the life events that have transpired in 25 years. Yet the events of that day are seared in my mind as freshly as if they took place yesterday.

October 29th will always be the day that my heart broke in a way that can never be repaired. There is, however, much to be said for timing. Three years ago a new little grand baby was born on October 29th. The saddest day of the year each year for me, now had a bright spot. Ironic? Chance? Or part of God’s plan?

I’ll miss you forever. I’ll love you forever.

THE PART OF ME THAT WILL HURT FOREVER

Those of us belonging to “the club” …the club we never wanted to join, all have specific times that are especially hard. The club is the bereaved mothers club. Our child died before us. Completely out of order. We were supposed to outlive our children.

It’s not a club you ever want to be in, trust me! There is a part of us that will hurt forever. There is a hole in our heart(s) that is the size of that child and it will never heal.

Yes, we’ll learn to move forward with life. We’ll go back to work, we’ll continue to parent our other children. We’ll even get to the point where we can smile and laugh again but the hole is there. Every hour of every day, it’s there.

Anniversary Dates Are Hard!

For me the times that hit the hardest each year are his birthday and the anniversary of the day he died.

No matter how well I think I’m doing leading up to those dates, I’ve learned over the years that at some point in the time surrounding those specific days, I’m going to fall apart. The tears will be right at the surface during those days, ready to spill over at the slightest memory or the slightest little upset. I’m just too tender during those days to deal effectively with life.

I’ve learned over the years that no one and nothing can help me during that time. It’s just me and I have to deal with it alone. Others have tried and while I appreciate that they love me and want to help, I can’t deal with them wanting to help.

I need to close off into myself for those days and be alone with my thoughts and memories of him. It’s just he and I in those times. My memories of him and the days we had together. There weren’t nearly enough of them. He should have had so much more life to live. loving-1207568_1920 It’s here again, it’s that time of year. Only a couple days away from the anniversary of his death and my heart hurts. The part of my heart that will forever be occupied by only him aches with an indescribable pain.

Once A Mother, Always A Mother

Once a mother, always a mother. It doesn’t matter the age of your child, you will always be their mother. You will always have their best interest at the forefront of your mind and when you outlive your child it’s, it’s, it’s what? There are no adequate words to articulate the pain your heart feels for the remainder of your own life.

There is no other person and no experiences in life that can fill the void in your heart so you have to learn to live with it. To deal with life day to day for the rest of your own natural life. And yes, you can do it.

There are a lot of members in this club and we are all continuously learning to deal with it. Each new day of each new year without them we’re learning to deal. Other bereaved mothers help, therapy helps some, running helps some, other family members help, the list goes on and on. Bottom line, however, is, we alone must deal.

This may be difficult for spouses, other family members and friends to understand at times and for that I (and probably other members of this undesirable club) apologize. There is no intent to shut you out but I need this time to myself.

Time to think, reflect, remember my baby, because regardless the age of the child at the time of death, he or she will always be our baby. Please just leave me and let me deal with these days in my own way and on my own terms.

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I’ll Be Back

I’ll be back in a few days and once again be a part of the living world. But for these few days my heart is hurting too much. It’s the only thing I can deal with right now. There is nothing left in me to deal with anything or anyone else. sad-659422_1920

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Comments

    • Michelle
    • January 25, 2017
    Reply

    This says it perfectly.

      • NoniKay
      • January 25, 2017
      Reply

      Michelle,
      Thank you for reading and commenting. If you have also experienced this loss please accept my sympathies and condolences.
      NoniKay

    • Marie
    • January 25, 2017
    Reply

    Perfectly and beautifully said. Those two days are the most difficult for me too. God bless you.

      • NoniKay
      • January 25, 2017
      Reply

      Thank you Marie and please accept my sympathies on your loss.
      NoniKay

    • Lindy
    • January 25, 2017
    Reply

    You couldn’t have said it better☺ your words really hit me.My loss was my Son? 4 years 6 months ago and I’m still hurting as much now as then ?

    • NoniKay
    • January 25, 2017
    Reply

    Lindy,
    I’m so sorry for the loss of your son! So many have died too young. Please accept my sympathies. My heart reaches out to each of you who, like me, are in that bereaved mothers club.
    NoniKay

    • Marjorie
    • January 26, 2017
    Reply

    Your words are so well written. I lost Brenda jean,25,11 years ago. The hurt is always there, on the two hardest days, it is better for me not to be alone, rather surroundedby my other kids and grandkids, especially her son….

    • NoniKay
    • January 26, 2017
    Reply

    Marjorie,
    Thank you and I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m glad you have found a way to ease a bit of the pain on those days. I extend my deepest sympathies to you.
    NoniKay

  1. Reply

    I completely relate to this. You say it so eloquently. This is beautiful and heart breaking and so very true. Thank you for sharing ❤️

      • NoniKay
      • February 1, 2017
      Reply

      Melissa,
      Thank you for your comments. My heart goes out to everyone who finds themselves in this undesirable club.
      NoniKay

    • Karen
    • February 2, 2017
    Reply

    My heart aches for my daughter on these days especially as her grief is more intense than at any time of the year. I feels so sad that there’s nothing I can do to comfort her except give her space to grieve.

      • NoniKay
      • February 2, 2017
      Reply

      Karen,
      Just the fact that she knows you are there if she needs/wants you is huge. Please feel free to share my article with her and express my sympathies to her.
      NoniKay

    • Lynn
    • February 9, 2017
    Reply

    I cannot fathom the pain of losing a child. I am so blessed to have all my chilren and grandchildren safe and well. My heart aches for all of you who do know the depth of this pain. My deepest sympathies to every mom and dad who have experienced the loss of their child.

      • NoniKay
      • February 10, 2017
      Reply

      Thank you Lynn. Your sympathies are appreciated.
      NoniKay

    • Carol
    • February 20, 2017
    Reply

    I’m so sorry for your loss.
    I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. My heart goes out to you and your family.

    Blessings,
    Carol

      • NoniKay
      • February 20, 2017
      Reply

      Carol,
      Thank you very much. We appreciate that.

      NoniKay

    • Sharon Morrison
    • April 21, 2017
    Reply

    I just found your blog. I have not lost a child yet. But I know that there are situations that I cannot control for my grown children.
    I have lost a husband after 40 years of marriage. He was 58, and died without any warning. The feelings you express are right up there with the loss of my husband…half of me.
    I am so sorry you lost a child. I hope you find comfort knowing I still go through the mourning on anniversaries and it has been 16 year now.
    Be Well…
    Sharon

      • NoniKay
      • April 23, 2017
      Reply

      Sharon,
      Thank you for your comments and I’m so happy you found us 🙂 Please accept my sympathies for the loss of your husband. 40 years of marriage is an amazing accomplishment. I hope you have the best memories and that those memories make you smile especially on the anniversary dates that can be so difficult.Best wishes for you!
      NoniKay

    • Linda Strunk
    • October 30, 2017
    Reply

    Noni I did not know this about you. I am so so sorry. I lost my little brother to suicide about that same time. He was more like my child because I was the “mom” at our house when I was a child. Everything you said in this blog is spot on. I grieve still for him. Essentially, his death ended my parent’s lives also. It took me a very long time to be able to experience joy again. Thank you for your blog❤️

      • NoniKay
      • October 30, 2017
      Reply

      Linda, I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother. I didn’t know about that. How old was your brother at the time of his death? Sending you hugs and my deepest sympathies.
      Noni

    • Joyce Mulliken
    • October 30, 2017
    Reply

    My heart will always hurt for you, and my memories of a very energetic, creative and talented “boy next door,” will always bring a smile to my face. Your son and my son were fun to watch grow through their teens and early 20s. The gift of your granddaughter is so special. Love you ?

      • NoniKay
      • October 30, 2017
      Reply

      Thanks so much Joyce. Love you too and miss you and Mike.

    • Debbie
    • November 3, 2017
    Reply

    You said this so well. I always tell people I need a day to just “think all things Jenni without any distractions”. On these days I write a letter to her in my All Things Jenni journal. I am sorry for your loss.

      • NoniKay
      • November 4, 2017
      Reply

      Debbie,
      Thank you for your comments. I like your “all things Jenni” journal idea. Very good idea and one that I would like to pass along to others with your permission.

      NoniKay

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