THE PART OF ME THAT WILL HURT FOREVER
Those of us belonging to “the club” …the club we never wanted to join, all have specific times that are especially hard. The club is the bereaved mothers club. Our child died before us. Completely out of order. We were supposed to outlive our children. It’s not a club you ever want to be in, trust me!
There is a part of us that will hurt forever. There is a hole in our heart(s) that is the size of that child and it will never heal. Yes, we’ll learn to move forward with life. We’ll go back to work, we’ll continue to parent our other children. We’ll even get to the point where we can smile and laugh again but the hole is there. Every hour of every day, it’s there.
For me the times that hit me the hardest each year are his birthday and the anniversary of the day he died. No matter how well I think I’m doing leading up to those dates, I’ve learned over the years that at some point in the time surrounding those specific days, I’m going to fall apart. The tears will be right at the surface during those days, ready to spill over at the slightest memory or the slightest little upset. I’m just too tender during those days to deal effectively with life.
I’ve learned over the years that no one and nothing can help me during that time. It’s just me and I have to deal with it alone. Others have tried and while I appreciate that they love me and want to help, I can’t deal with them wanting to help. I need to close off into myself for those days and be alone with my thoughts and memories of him. It’s just he and I in those times. My memories of him and the days we had together. There weren’t nearly enough of them. He should have had so much more life to live.
It’s here again, it’s that time of year. Only a couple days away from the anniversary of his death and my heart hurts. The part of my heart that will forever be occupied by only him aches with an indescribable pain. Once a mother, always a mother. It doesn’t matter the age of your child, you will always be their mother. You will always have their best interest at the forefront of your mind and when you outlive your child it’s, it’s, it’s what? There are no adequate words to articulate the pain your heart feels for the remainder of your own life.
There is no other person and no experiences in life that can fill the void in your heart so you have to learn to live with it. To deal with life day to day for the rest of your own natural life. And yes, you can do it. There are a lot of members in this club and we are all continuously learning to deal with it. Each new day of each new year without them we’re learning to deal. Other bereaved mothers help, therapy helps some, running helps some, other family members help, the list goes on and on. Bottom line, however, is, we alone must deal.
This may be difficult for spouses, other family members and friends to understand at times and for that I (and probably other members of this undesirable club) apologize. There is no intent to shut you out but I need this time to myself. Time to think, reflect, remember my baby, because regardless the age of the child at the time of death, he or she will always be our baby.
Please just leave me and let me deal with these days in my own way and on my own terms. I’ll be back in a few days and once again be a part of the living world. But for these few days my heart is hurting too much. It’s the only thing I can deal with right now. There is nothing left in me to deal with anything or anyone else.