Tonight My Heart Breaks For You

image of cemetery

TONIGHT MY HEART BREAKS FOR YOU!

Tonight my heart breaks for you my friend. You, who, without a miracle, will lose your adult child in the very near future. There is always a chance, after all, God is still in the business of miracles. But according to the latest doctor report that chance is slim, very very slim. Two or three weeks is their estimate.

Is it better to know that you have that last two or three week window to express one last time your love for that child? Or is it better to have it be sudden, as it was in my case? There is no good scenerio. There is no “best time” or “best way.” There is only intense pain, an absolute vacuum in your life. Suddenly, the world continues to go on about their daily business while you look on from outside.

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Outside Is A Place Where The Pain Is So Intense

Outside is a place where the pain is so intense that your mind can’t be wrapped around it. Outside is a place where people express their sympathies to you and you nod but absolutely cannot internalize them, barely even hear them. Outside is a place where food is brought by well meaning friends and family…you see it,  you thank them, but the numbness never leaves, never subsides even for a second. Outside is a place where you lay in bed exhausted but unable to sleep, where if you doze for a couple of minutes you awake crying, reliving all those last minutes that he was breathing but only with the help of machines.

Then those minutes in the mortuary seeing him lay there so beautiful, so perfect, so young and SO cold. No more of his beautiful smiles, no more of his wonderful hugs, no more laughs. He’s not there anymore, he lives in heaven now. It’s just his beautiful body left here.

images of roses at funeral

Outside Is The Funeral

Outside is the funeral with so many friends and family. Outside is each family member dropping dirt on his casket as it’s lowered into the ground. Outside is family and friends at the reception afterward expressing their sympathies and the inability to do more than nod, so unable to take all this in, so unable to grasp that this is real, that he is no longer laughing, joking, sharing his talents with this world.

Outside is the ambulance crew expressing their sympathy and saying that they did all they could. Outside is hating them for not doing more but trying to understand that they are human and therefore fallible just like me. Outside is having to face tomorrow, and tomorrow and another tomorrow! Knowing that each tomorrow will be a new assault on the senses. A new day starts and the realization hits that he is no longer there, no longer a part of this world, no longer a part of our daily lives, no longer there to make us laugh, hug and love each other.

Outside is the realization that life MUST go on, that there are other family members depending on me to help them through this intense grief. They are but children and therefore much less equipped to deal with this … I must get up, I must go on, I must face tomorrow and tomorrow and every tomorrow, I must put aside my own pain to help them deal with theirs. Praying, God please help me take this one day at a time, one tiny 24 hour segment at a time. Help me help them learn to take it one tiny 24 hour segment at a time.

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